Waving the White Flag to Laziness

Just wanted to check in. Nothing much has been going on.
Ohio State lost to Penn St. That was our second loss of the season. Texas was our first. Frustration is an understatement. The season is essentially over, besides Michigan...but even that normally huge game has lost tons of value to me. I'm angry at our coaches and I'm angry at some of our players. The field being wet was brought up several times. This excuse enrages me further. We should be prepared for soggy fields. Truth is, we need a stud running back. Antonio Pittman is good, but not great. And Troy Smith is good, but he's not like Marcus Vick or DJ Shockley. He resembles these guys to an extent, but he's just not there.

My job is just "ehhh" so far. I've been here for like over 3 months now. Job security is nice...but I just can't get motivated to really kick ass. I feel a little guilty about my lack of production and value adding to the company. I always feel lazy and tired. I basically sit in this small office by myself all day and I am supposed to research selected companies and work on models. But after a few hours of not really communicating with anyone...I become bored and restless. I surf the web for entertainment. I check out plane tickets, I read the news, I write e-mails, I write in this blog and so on. Although I want to do better at this job and impress people, I also feel a sense of "f-ck it." My thought is "hey, I'm doing pretty well here. I'm learning slowly about the stock market. I don't seem to be pissing anyone off or appearing too ridiculously slacker-esque. I'm young. This is good on my resume. Just chill. The tortoise wins the race. Don't get bent out of shape because you get bored easily. I got a comfortable office with a fast internet connection. Good coffee. Clean bathroom. What can I complain about? People here know that I don't know shit about finance...so it's okay. It's understood. I'm in good shape."

That's my thought process. We'll see if I get fired up the road. Doubt.

Here in New York...people are serious about kicking ass professionally. I'm just not in that killer bloodthirsty frame of mind here. I'm like a pacificst. I'm just content being. I'm reading a little Buddhism and I like it because a lot of the principles already apply to my general theories.

Still no smoking

I haven't smoked since Peter Jennings died...which was approximately 3 weeks ago.
Today is August 29th. ES's birthday. I will be calling to say Tanti Auguri.

Escape

Well here I am, many months since my last blog. Why do I come back to this? Because I'm in the same place as I was before.
A new job in finance, but I can't say I like it. Sure it's better than the previous job, but my mind is still focused on an escape.
Blogs are very self-centered. It's all about what I want, how I feel, etc. Truth is, my feelings are irrelevant to the progress of the world, and to the laws of nature.
Nevertheless, I'm always looking for an escape. An escape from this job, an escape from New York. 24 sounds like a good age to make that move. It's never too late, but 24 is still not early.
Right now I want to go to MBA school in Italy and try to land a job somehow thru the contacts that I might make. Speriamo.

The unbearable lightness of being

Weeks seem to have passed with little consequence. If there are 52 weeks in a year and about 80 years in a human life, than a large piece of my life has just vanished without as much of a thought. Is it the moment we are born that we start dying or is it the moment that we begin thinking existentially that begin dying.

Last night I had a horrible dream. I was responsible for killing people very close to me. I hid the bodies and the hid the evidence from others who were close to those people. The corpses began to smell. Very Tell-Tale Heart...but more graphic. I awoke that morning feeling sick. Seconds and minutes passed before I was able to believe that this hadn't happened. What relief! Yet, at the same time, my conscious mind was still responsible for these atrocious acts. I was disgusted and embarrassed to see the individuals who were in my dream. I thought about calling off work due to such psychological trauma. Now, 3 or 4 hours later I have no bad feelings like I had this morning.

Although I do have a slight headache. Perhaps it is becuase I have stopped smoking for a day.

I am seeing a new girl named Mary. She is very nice and pretty. I will leave it at that and see where it goes...

"Last Sunday morning, the sunshine felt like rain.
The week before, they all seemed the same.
With the help of God and true friends, I've come to realize,
I still have two strong legs, and even wings to fly.
So I, ain't a-wastin time no more.
Cause time goes by like hurricanes, and faster things.
Well, Lord, Lord, Miss Sally, why all your cryin?
Been around here three long days, lookin like we're dyin.
Go step yourself outside, and look up at the stars above,
And go on downtown, baby, find somebody to love.

Meanwhile, I ain't a-wastin time no more.
Cause time goes by like pouring rain, and much faster things.
You don't need no gypsy to tell you why,
Ya can't let one precious day to slip by.
Well, look inside yourself, and if you don't see what you want,
Maybe sometimes then ya don't,
But, leave your mind alone and just get high.
Well, by and by, way after many years have gone,
And all the war freaks die off, leavin us alone.
We'll raise our children, in the peaceful way we can,
It's up to you and me brother,To try and try again.
So, hear us now, we ain't wastin time no more.
Cause time rolls by like hurricanes.
Runnin after the subway train.
Don't forget the pourin rain. "
-Allman Brothers

Over Analysis

"I swear to you, sirs, that excessive consciousness is a disease -- a genuine, absolute disease. For everyday human existence it would more than suffice to have the ordinary share of human consciousness; that is to say, one half, one quarter that that which falls to the lot of a cultivated man in our wretched nineteenth century [...] It would, for instance, be quite enough to have the amount of consciousness by which all the so-called simple, direct people and men of action live. " -FD (Notes...)

The last few days I've been feeling excessively self-concious, self-doubting and self-hating. These feelings fuel a spinning motor that eventually powers itself, as I become more disgusted by my inability to shed these dangerous thoughts.

Weird Premonition

So there's all this stuff going on. ES is leaving tonight, whatever. Not interested in talking about that right here.

But last night I had a few vivid, meaningless dreams. One dream was actually very bloody and Tarentino-esque, where I killed several people in a group massacre-thing that I can barely remember. Then I tried to wash myself in my friend, Andrew's, bathroon in the basement of his house. But when I got to the bathroom, the tub was full of junk, books and other "closet" stuff. I started taking the things out of the tub and laying them on the bed. I can't remember what happened after that.

In another dream, I vividly remember shopping for lawn mowers. I vividly remember looking at the old-fashioned manual lawnmowers that don't take gas or anything. One mower in my dream was made out of titanium and it costed close to $300. I remember that was the top of the line mower, a sort of redone retro mower that was easy to use and ideal for the 21st century, enviroment conscious generation. But $300 was too much for me in the dream. Other versions of the old lawnmower were cheaper. Then there were the classic gas powered ones. I forget which one I chose. This dream took place last night March 30th in the AM approximately 3 or 4 am.

Now here's the weird part. I checked out Jonah Goldberd's article today in the National Review Online site. Goldberg mentioned Glenn Reynold's Instapundit blog. So I decided to read that. When I got to Instapundit...the first post was this:

March 30, 2005

ONE OF THE SIDE EFFECTS OF THE RAZORBLOGGING is that lots of purists have been telling me that I absolutely must get one of these for my lawn. It's safer than a straight razor!

posted at 10:10 AM by Glenn Reynolds

I clicked on "one of these" and it sent me here ---> http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/B00004R9UK/ref=br_fq_hi_hmmm_1/002-2007031-8101608?v=glance

Dude, that is seriously weird. I don't think there's any meaning to this at all. I'm too busy with life to believe in ghosts and preminitions and all that bullshit. But it IS a big coincidence. How random and weird.

The Bright Side of the Road

“Into this life we're born
Baby sometimes we don't know why
And time seems to go by so fast
In the twinkling of any eye.

Let's enjoy it while we can
Won't you help me sing my song
From the dark end of the street
To the bright side of the road.”
-Van Morrison “Bright Side of the Road”

Listening to this song right now.

ES is leaving tomorrow. Three months went by like a flash, “in the twinkling of an eye.” I’m filled with emotions. Remembering this powerful feeling from years past in college. Songs like these sort of rope your feeling and pull them out of you. Cathartic. Nostaligic. Painful. Powerful. Intense. Mixed.

Sometimes I just feel numb. Nothing. As if it doesn’t matter. Complete indifference.

Then a song comes on…and I feel like dropping to my knees and wailing. The tears would be good. Like homage to the past three months and how meaningful they were to me. Seems like during a breakup or separation, you always hear music that reminds you of your situation. Sometimes it seems like every good song is written about separating.

Flashes of memories, days gone by, laughs, “freewheelin” Dylan cover-type moments, its tough. I’ve felt this before. Feeling like something has died for eternity. But we’ll find each other again. I’m sure.

Now I’m listening to Sweet Thing from Van Morrison:

And I will stroll the merry way
And jump the hedges first
And I will drink the clear
Clean water for to quench my thirst
And I shall watch the ferry-boats
And they’ll get high
On a bluer ocean
Against tomorrow’s sky
And I will never grow so old again
And I will walk and talk
In gardens all wet with rain

Oh sweet thing, sweet thing
My, my, my, my, my sweet thing